Mom-Time

Women are often expected to give up everything once they become mothers. Maybe other people don't expect this, but often the woman herself expects it.

I love giving to my family. I do. I love taking care of them.

But when 9pm rolls around, I'm ready for an hour or so of quiet time, me time, if you will.

And last night...was rough.

We started yesterday at about 7am. We got up and got ready to go to the dentist. The dentist didn't have good news for either Alyssa or Olivia, so my feelings of failure started at around 11am. Both girls have to go back to the dentist in about four weeks for fillings/caps/sealants. I know, it's their baby teeth but knowing that doesn't alleviate the guilt of knowing I haven't been nearly diligent enough with teeth brushing. I feel like their cavities are totally my fault.

We went to lunch to celebrate both girls being so good at the dentist.

From lunch, we headed to my mom's where the girls played with Jaxon for a couple of hours. They got some outside time and some inside crazy time.

My mom left me with the three kids for about an hour. When she got back, the girls and I left so we could drop Olivia off at home with Tom while Alyssa and I headed to soccer practice.

There, I waited in the cold for an hour while Alyssa chased a soccer ball. She also got to play at the park next to the field.

We got home to find Olivia asleep at 6:45.

I made something for me, Tom and Alyssa to eat for dinner and we settled in for the night.

I tried to watch Dancing with the Stars (shut up! It's a guilty pleasure and we all have them so...) and the first hour was just recapping. BORING! I may as well not watch the actual dancing on Mondays if they're going to do that.

At 9:00, when they started to announce the results and who was safe versus who was going home, Alyssa decided she was tired. I tried to get her to just sit next to me and go to sleep on the couch. I promised I'd take her to bed soon.

But she twisted and turned and moved and flipped and basically drove me nuts. I finally decided I'd take her to bed and then come back down to watch the last fifteen minutes of DwtS, that's when they get to the good stuff anyway.

Upstairs she asked me to lay with her. I did for a few minutes. But I was restless. Most of the time, I cherish the time laying with her. I know that I don't have long for hear wanting me to do this.

But last night, I was agitated. I felt like, "Damn it, she's eight years old. I should be able to tuck her in, kiss her good night and leave the room, solid in the knowledge that she would just go. to. sleep."

But she didn't. She remembered that she hadn't brushed her teeth.

We got up and she brushed her teeth and went to the bathroom.

I laid with her again. By now, it was 9:30 and I was getting more and more annoyed.

And of course, she could sense my agitation, which kept her from falling asleep.

Finally at 9:40, I thought she was asleep. I really did. So I got up and headed downstairs.

Not thirty seconds later, I heard her on the stairs.

She said with a whimper, "I think I just need you to sing to me."

I have never felt less like singing in my life.

I just wanted that hour of time by myself. I realize how selfish that sounds. I do. But I was so tired of doing for everyone else. I just wanted everyone to leave me alone, to stop, for this one night, making demands upon me.

I went back upstairs with her but didn't sing. I just couldn't get a song to come out.

We lay there for another five minutes, with her sniffling and tossing and turning. Finally, I asked her why she wouldn't just go to sleep.

She shrugged and said, "I think I'm just too hungry."

OMG!!! I was at my wit's end. I felt like my temper was holding by a thread. I marched her back downstairs and told her to get something to eat. I sat in the living room and seethed.

I know. It was all so counter productive. I wasn't getting my alone time and she wasn't going to sleep. No one was happy.

And yet I knew, by this point, that three minutes after Alyssa fell asleep, Olivia was going to wake up just enough to need to cuddele, or paw at me and that was going to be it for me.

See, sleeping with Olivia can be so lovely. But it also means that I'm 'on' all night long. She wakes up several times in the night, just to confirm that I'm still there. To snuggled closer against me, to make sure my arm is just right beneath her head. So by that time of night, when Alyssa STILL wasn't asleep, I knew that my time was so limited it was basically over.

She ended up falling asleep in my bed, on the other side of Olivia. Olivia did indeed wake up a few minutes after Alyssa fell asleep, needing comfort, needing me to assure her I was right there.

It was a rough night and I really hope that tonight is easier. Not necessarily for me. For both girls. I know that Alyssa felt bad that she couldn't sleep. I know that she sensed my frustration. I hope tonight, I don't feel that. I can go back to my usual giving, loving self. I hope.

But I also selfishly hope that both girls go to sleep easily tonight so I can have just one hour, one hour when I'm not mom, I'm not wife, I'm just me. Just Tommie, doing something that makes ME happy for just one hour. Then I can give and give and give the other twenty-three hours. Promise.