Friday, May 6, 2011

Daughters

My daughters bring me much joy, as most of these posts show.

Sure, they provide plenty of annoyance, but their kids, that's just what they do.

But what happens when daughters grow up but never really mature?

See, my step daughter has issues.

We love her so much but sometimes it's really hard to like her. She makes very, very bad decisions. At twenty-four years old, she still can't think beyond the next four seconds. She can't made decisions about anything other than what she wants right this second.

It's so frustrating because she always expects someone else to clean up the messes she makes, to pay for the bad decisions she made.

At eight and four, Alyssa and Olivia aren't ready to make real decisions. Yes, Alyssa can decide what to wear but she often has to be advised as to which jacket to wear to school each morning.

Olivia? Would wear a tank top in the middle of February if we let her. But we don't because we're her parents and we make the important decisions for her. We will let her choose between appropriate items of clothing but we don't let her go all willy-nilly into her closet and pick whatever she wants.

But with my step-daughter, we don't have that power.

All we can say to her is, "If you make this decision, you are on your own. Don't come crying to us when it backfires, expecting money or a bail out."

But she does. She calls and cried and begs for money.

And I see how much it hurts my husband. I see how desperately he wants to help her because this is his daughter, he remembers her when she was four and when she was eight and he loves her to the ends of the earth.

But he's also so very fed up with her sense of entitlement. As if he owes her a better life than that which she's choosing for herself.

We try so hard to give our daugthers the tools to grow and learn to make good decisions. We try so hard to teach them lessons and teach them consequences.

But how do you do that with an adult child who never seems to learn?

He asked me tonight if it would be a bad thing for him to tell her not to call him anymore if she's just going to ask for money.

I want to support him. I am on his side. I told him that he has every right to do just that and to not feel guilty for it. He gave her the tools she needed to make the right decisions. She chooses not to use those tools.

SHE CHOOSES.

Not him. Not me. We need to stop paying for her bad choices.

But it's hard to say no, even to your adult child, when they hurt, even when it's their own damned fault.

Not sure where we're going here just hoping we're doing a better job the second and third time around with daughters. Setting examples, limits, experiences where they learn that there are consequences to the choices they make and THEY are the ones who have to live with those consequences.

It's not easy, but it's all we can do right now.

2 comments:

McKinley {Haolepinos} said...

Tommie, I can relate to this more then you know!!! My biological father is sorta the same way. Different, but I understand the emotions you feel. I ask myself these same questions. It is really hard. Fortunately I was able to get in to a space that I found healthy, where I choose to return his calls when and if I want. And that he truly is my biological father and nothing more. My (step)dad is my dad!! No one else. It is really hard because you do love them unconditionally, but you need to care for you self and family! I think of it as, if it weren't for our genetical link I would not choose to have him in my life, so why allow myself to keep suffering?!? If you ever want to talk more about it please feel free to email me (haolepinos@gmail.com). I am not saying my way would work for your family... but sometimes it is just nice to find someone to talk to about it! I mean that is what I like to do... so maybe I will just email you hahha!!!

Tiffany said...

I know someone just like this! It's so frustrating.