Dependent

My girls had their gymnastics recital last night. It was great. They had so much fun and loved the noise, the crowd, the act of performing.

After Olivia's class did their routine I sat with her and the girls off to the side while the older groups performed. O's class is made up of little girls ranging in age from a young three to almost seven.

Note: Alyssa's class performed too but I think Alyssa deserves a separate post about how amazing she was.

When Olivia and I were finally able to join Tom and my mom in the stands my mom mentioned that Olivia didn't really need me out there to help her with the routine, she just needed my physical presence to reassure her emotionally.

And it made me wonder. Am I holding her back? Did my presence in that class help or hinder her?

Honestly, her physical skill level was pretty even with most of the other girls. She somersaulted as well as the one before and the one after her. She cartwheeled about as one might expect a four year old to cartwheel.

I held her hand while she stood in a circle with the other girls and then when they skipped around the mat. But I didn't help her with her actual gymnastics skills. She did all that herself. And she was GOOD. As good as any other four year old might me.

So...she hasn't actually needed me out there all this time, has she? Have I been out there in class with her for me? Have I made her special needs into my own special needs?

I wonder.

She is starting preschool in the fall. And we'll probably put her back in gymnastics in the fall. And for those classes coming up in about four months? She'll be in the class by herself.

It's going to be tough, I know. She's not used to doing things without the mama. But I don't want to hinder her. I don't want to hold her back. I want to support her, I want her to know that I'm always there, cheering her on but that I can't always hold her hand.

Obviously, I can't go back and redo this past season of gymnastics. But it makes me wonder. It makes me second guess myself. It makes me doubt my instincts when it comes to Olivia.

Alyssa is a shy kid. She had a tough couple of weeks when kindergarten started. But she's great now. Yet...I probably coddled her too. And that doesn't help anyone.

Come fall, O won't be able to be coddled anymore. And I feel bad now that I didn't just push her out there in January when we started this new, non-mommy and me class. but she wanted me. And I'm a push-over. So I was there, holding her hand, even though she proved last night, it wasn't about her physical limitations. It was about my own desire to hold her close, to protect her, to take on her challenges.

I can't do that forever. I can't be the one who learns the skills for her.

She proved to all of us that she's fine. She'll be fine, as long as I can step back and not stand in her way.