I have been in an extraordinarily bad mood all day.
I'm annoyed that my husband is so much better at losing weight than I am.
I'm frustrated that I'm a horrible housekeeper and an even worse mother.
It's just been rotten.
And I know it's me. I know that I am the one who puts these thoughts, these frusrations in my head.
I know I could choose to have a better day. I could choose to go for a walk or a run and NOT be miserable and fat.
Except...I am. Miserable and fat, that is.
I feel like being thin would make everything else more forgivable. How insane is that?
My weight is not connected to my inability to keep the living room clean. It's doesn't make me more or less patient with my children.
But the thoughts in my head tell me that if I were thinner, things would be easier. If I were thinner, it wouldn't matter quite so much that I don't vacuum every day. I wouldn't be bothered quite so much on those days hwen I'm not nearly as gentle and loving as I should be to my girls.
So today I brooded. I cried. I annoyed the shit out of my husband who is so exasperated with me and my stupid, stupid mood.
And yet I think to myself that if I were thinner, my moods wouldn't bother him so much. I probably wouldn't even have these moods if I were thin.
It's all so stupid. Intellectually, I know it is.
But there it is. This mood is here, it's weighing me down more than my gigantic butt. It's making me sad and mad and annoyed with myself as well as everything and everyone around me. It's not fair to any of usl.
And just now? I yelled at the girls. They're running and being silly and just enjoying each other's company. Every mothers' dream, right? Except with every lap, they have to stop and slam themselves into me and that's so damned annoying. So I told them to leave me alone for just a minute.
I feel awful about that too.
I'm a crappy mother, an awful wife. I'm not much better as a friend, daughter or sister for that matter.
I need to figure this out, though. For the girls' sakes if not for my own. I hate myself these days and that is no way to live.
A mom, a dad and two daughters. We're living ordinary lives with a twist of 5p- (Cri du Chat) for spice. But we're about so much more than our younger daughter's genetic diagnosis.
4 comments:
Like many women, you are your own worst critic. Cut yourself a little slack. Battling diet & weight stuff is never easy...and by my gauge you're a wonderful, wonderful mom. Tomorrow is a new day.
It is so hard to change that voice in your head. That is more important than being thin.
I am calling you in the morning and we are going to discuss this. You are an amazing mom and my absolute best friend. I'm kind of picky about those things so you must be doing something right.
I know what you are talking about! I always think if I could do something better I would become super woman, or some kind of hero. I don't know why our thoughts get so wild. It is like the guilt of the things we do or don't do transform into the Grass is Greener on the Other Side Syndrome. And then we begin to fantasize about how things could be in the magical world hahaha. But it's not!! Nope, it never is because that isn't true happiness. Like Tiffany said, we have to change the voices in our head... and man that can be hard! One of the hardest thing actually!!
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