Tuesday, August 9, 2011

The Fat Cousin

I have two cousins who are older than I am. T is three years older and A is a year older. Growing up, they were the glamorous, thin older cousins I looked up to. And I could never quite compete.

I never really tried all that hard. We were very different. They were both smoking cigarettes by 13 years old and were hard partiers early in life.

I was studious, serious, all about the rules.

Except...I envied their thinness. I hated my body when I looked at theirs and compared my curvier body to their very thin, tall figures.

I'm the shortest of the three of us at five feet six and a half inches. That half inch is very important.

A is five seven and T is five eight. You wouldn't think that half in that A has on me would be that big a deal but when a girl/woman is five feet seven inches tall and a size 0, she gets noticed. At the time A was a size 0, I was probably a size 4, which, seriously? Not big. At all.

I know that now. But when I was thirteen years old and five six and a half and weighing 117 pounds, I felt huge standing next to my cousins who were taller but probably weighed somewhere aroun 103.

Now? I know they were unhealthy. And I know that I'm lucky I wasn't doing the things that helped them maintain that unhealthy weight.

But back then? It was the start of my very own problems with body image.

So with my 'healthy eating program' I'm trying to get to the root of the problem. I'm trying to accept myself at any weight, whether it is what I am now, or what I was last week or what I'll be next week.

I know that the number isn't the issue. It's my own attitude, it's how I see myself.

And I have to stop looking at others and comparing. I need to look inside and realize that I'm so very lucky to be healthy, to be strong.

This body birthed two beautiful little girls. It gets me to and from work every day and lets me take care of my family.

There will probably always be something I'd like to change about my body, even if I ever get to my goal weight and manage to maintain it. But even knowing that, I need to come to a place of peace with who I am, physically.

I need to get rid of the picture in my head of the fat cousin. She no longer exists. I wouldn't trade lives with T or A for anything in the world, not even for the chance to be thin.

I need to remember that each time I get down on my body. I need to remember what it's done for me and my family and celebrate it instead of hate it.

And hey, weight loss for week one is seven pounds. I'm calling that a victory over the fat cousin.

5 comments:

Jenna Proctor said...

Seven pounds is no small accomplishment! I'm pretty impressed. Good job!

I know it's hard to lose weight in a healthy way (I know because I've never been able to lose weight in a healthy way, ever).

Lauren said...

Finding the elusive peace. I always forget where I left it. ;)

Ok so totally random, today I was listening to the radio and I missed the beginning so I have no idea who this guy was who was talking, but when I heard it, I knew what he was saying was right.

I cut into the program just he said something to the effect of, "Happiness/contentment is being in the present." And as hokey as it sounds, focusing on one breathe at a time with appreciation for right this very minute. That when we look so far into the future we miss the peace/happiness that is happening right this very second.

I've been thinking about that all day and for some reason when I was reading your post I got rereminded of it. And now I'm just totally rambling leaving this huge post on your blog.. staying in the now. Yep, right now. ;)

Anyhoo I'm taking my rambly self to bed!

And seriously seven lbs?! What the what?!?! That's totally substantial! Compare it to nothing. Right now, that is amazing.

Lauren

Tiffany said...

7 lbs!!!! That's a wonderful start---way to go!!! I had a cousin that was thin, beautiful and had the best clothes...and I could never measure up. But then I saw her with different eyes when I was a Mom...that she was a dingbat and not a good mother...and then she wasn't so glamorous anymore.

Page said...

Seven pounds! Wow! That's a big deal, you should be very proud!

Taking each moment and appreciating the now and liking yourself for what you are and not anything or anytime else sounds like a wonderful way to live. Something I need to work on for sure!

Thanks!

McKinley {Haolepinos} said...

That is awesome you lost so much weight already!!! Way to go,a nd keep up the good work!

I too have a hard time with my body image. I find my self saying horrible ugly things, that I would never ever say about someone so why do I say it about my self? ALL THE TIME?!?!

I too am on the road of self esteem recovery! Let me know if you find any secrets that work... in the mean time I will keep looking for secrets!!!

Thank you for sharing!!! I am glad to know more girls think are alike in this discussion! It helps me know I am normal, and not abnormal.