Stepping Up the Drama

Tom had been divorced from his first wife for five years when I met him.

I asked him right from the start if he was over her. He declared that he was very much over her. He said that their marriage ended badly and he'd moved beyond that point.

I pressed the issue a bit, asking him if he was still angry with his ex-wife. I wanted to know because I was not going to let him punish me for whatever crimes he believed she'd committed.

Again, he assured me that he was okay with his past.

And so far, he's never once treated me like he'd probably like to treat her.

But...there's always a but in situations like this.

Even now, eight years into our marriage (so 14+ years beyond their divorce) he doesn't like to actually speak to her. He'd rather I be the go-between.

Usually, this is no big deal, because now that J, J and D are grown, we have no real reason to actually speak with their mother.

Except that with Obama-care, we're (I am, since I carry the insurance!) required cover the younger two until their 26 years old. J is 24. D is 23. Now, if I'm perfectly honest, this isn't that big a deal since we're already paying for famlily coverage. I don't have to pay more for two more 'dependents' than I would if I were just covering myself, Tom and the girls.

Where this is an issue, though, is when J gets herself into trouble.

She's very, very good at getting herself into trouble. And she always expects us (me, Tom, her mom and step-dad) to get her out of that trouble.

As the person who carries the insurance that covers her, I get to communicate with her mom a lot.

I have nothing against Tom's ex-wife. I came into his life years after their marriage was over. I don't mind talking to her about her kids and getting them the help they need.

The problem is that she dislikes my husband very, very much. And every single time we speak, she can't resist saying something nasty or negative about him.

And it drives me nuts. I get it. She was married to the man, she divorced him, she doesn't like him. I get that. Heck, some days he drives me nuts too but...I'm still married to him. I still love him. She claims he was not a good father to the three children they had together.

I wasn't there. I don't know. But I do know that he's a good dad now. And that's what counts to me. It counts to my children.

About six years ago, Tom's ex sent me one of the nastiest emails I've ever received. It took my breath away with its venom, the hatred was palpable. I sent it to Tom and then replied to her with a cc to him, saying, "I am done being the go-between. I was not there during your marriage, I wasn't there during your divorce and I do not have to put up with the anger that flows between the two of you. If you have something to say to each other, do so, but leave me out of it."

And I left it at that.

A year later, she apologized to me for that email and things have been cordial since.

But now...with J's latest issues, the anger is rising again on both sides.

J is costing her mother a lot of money and a lot of heartache. She also calls Tom every other day, begging him to send her money. Her mother has asked strenuously that we NOT send her daughter any money. I've shared that sentiment with Tom. He's torn. He wants to help J. He wants her to get the help she needs. But it's hard for him to say no to her. And...it's hard for him to take orders from her mother and this feels like an order to him.

I sent him an email last week that I got from J's mom. In it, she mentioned that I'd told her that J had asked Tom for money.

He started to get angry with me for sharing that information with his ex-wife.

I stopped him. I suggested that if there were things he didn't want her to know that he be the one to communicate with her because not only can I not read his mind, but I am also NOT going to keep secrets from her as she struggles to get her daughter the help she so desperately needs. She's trying to keep her daughter alive, damn it!

I asked him if defying his ex-wife is more important than his daughter's health.

He backtracked quickly, saying he wasn't mad at me or anything.

I snapped, "You better not be, because you have no reason to be."

Again, he tried to placate me. "I just hate to have her know our business."

"This isn't OUR business," I informed him. "This is J's business. And right now, her business is her mother's business. But again, if you don't like what I'm telling her, YOU talk to her."

He let it go.

Tonight, we're having another talk about J. The trouble she's in, the help she needs, is expensive. And it's costing her mother quite a bit. She's asking us to help. Not necessarily go in halves with her, but to help as much as we can.

Yes, we're already helping by providing the health insurance that is getting her the housing she needs and the medication. But she has fines and other expenses and I know this is hard.

So we'll talk. And I'll be the voice of reason should the old anger rise. And if it rises too far too fast, I'll remind him that he's welcome to discuss this with his ex-wife and leave me out of it.

That always works to calm him right down.

I'm tired of drama. I want J well because I want things to calm down and perhaps, at some point, our interaction with her mother will be non-existent. A second wife can dream...