Consequences

Olivia and I had a talk last night.

I started and ended the conversation on positive notes but there in the middle, we talked about ugly words and how they’re not supposed to be used at school. Olivia knows which words we consider ugly. She knows that poopy pants and butt cheeks and booby crack are not words/phrases she should use at school.

I also told her the consequences for using words like that at school. She was watching my mom’s digital picture frame and sort of listening to me. I made her look at me so I knew she was listening. I know I often tell the girls that I don’t have to look at them to be able to hear them but she’s five and three quarters. I needed her to look at me.

She looked at me, her big eyes gleaming with humor.

I told her that if her teacher told me she’d used any ugly words at school again, when I got home from work that day, I’d take the finger nail polish off her nails and she wouldn’t be allowed to pick a new color for a few days, until she could prove that she wouldn’t say ugly words anymore.

The humor left her eyes. She grew serious, her eyes got huge and incredulous. I asked her if she understood what I was saying.

She nodded wisely.

I asked her to repeat what I’d said.

She did, her lip trembling just a bit at the very idea of losing her nail polish privileges.

I hugged her and told her again how happy I was that she was talking to her teachers and her classmates and that I wanted her to continue to do so, but she needs to use nice words when she does talk to them.

When we got home, Tom asked me if she understood.

What he was really asking was whether Olivia knew why the words were inappropriate.

Honestly, I don’t think she does understand why she can’t say them. But she does know that there are consequences if she uses the words. And she knows she doesn’t like the consequences.

We’ll continue to work on right and wrong and getting her to understand the difference but for now, I want to change her behavior. I don’t need her get WHY she has to change her behavior, that will come with love and guidance and consistency. For now, we just have to do what works to reinforce positive behavior and discourage the negative behavior.

I reminded her this morning of the consequences of using ugly words at school. I also told her how happy I was that she liked school and wanted to talk and participate in class. I reminded her that sometimes, her teachers need her to sit still and work on school projects. I want her to enjoy school, I want her to get as much out of it as she can, academically, emotionally and socially. But I don’t want her to be a distraction to her peers. That’s not fair to the other students in the class.

She loves school and I don’t want to take that away from her. She’s getting to the point where she wants to be a part of the action. She wants to interact with her peers, she wants to have friends. I want that for her so, so much. That and so much more.

And so the work begins. Or continues, however you look at it.