Elective

So here’s the thing about elective surgery. Sometimes, even though it’s elective, it is actually sort of necessary in an effort to ward off future illness.

Which is the case with Alyssa’s surgery on Wednesday.

And she’s still doing well, by the way, thanks for asking.

But the thing about this surgery is that it wasn’t something that HAD to be done to save her life. It will improve the quality of her life and for that reason, I chose to have it done.

But…I feel awful for making that choice. Intellectually, I know it was the best choice. I have several adult friends/acquaintances who have actually thanked me for having her tonsils removed because they had to do so as adults and the results were horrendous.

Honestly, though, my child is suffering now because of something I elected to have done.

I took a fairly healthy child to the hospital and had them remove parts of her body, which caused her to suffer pretty severe pain for several days. The amount of guilt I feel for doing this is pretty high right now.

Yes, yes, this was something that will make her feel better in the long run but in the short run I chose something for her that hurt her. That caused her pain and stress and this choice, in the end, was mine.

Tom was willing to go along with whatever the doctor decided. But he wasn’t there for the final decision. He brought Alyssa to me and I went consultation with her. I heard what the doctor said and I made the choice.

I chose to let a doctor cut into my child.

She’s on the mend. She’s eating and drinking and sleeping well. She’s starting to speak above a whisper and she’s enjoying being babied.

But she hurts and I made that happen.

This is a rambling confession of maternal guilt. I know that. I also know that in a few weeks, when she’s fully healed and back at school and gymnastics and yelling at her sister and not looking down at an impending case of strep, I’ll be glad for this decision.

But right this second, I feel terrible for having made this choice, for choosing immediate, short-term pain in an effort to avoid long-term infection. Even though I know, I KNOW , it was the right choice, I feel awful for it.

This is the heart of a mother.