Invisible

Growing up, I was miserably shy. I hated it but I couldn’t figure out how to overcome it. I desperately wanted to be like my best friend Roxann or good friend Cheryl. From elementary school all the way through high school, both of these girls were always surrounded by people, always talking, always making others feel comfortable.

I was always on the periphery, watching, soaking it all in. I was always included in their fun but I was never the instigator, never the center of attention.

Alyssa is so much like me in this way that it breaks my heart.

Logically, I know that she’ll overcome this shyness in her own time, in her own way. I know she’s happy most of the time. She has some great friends at school, she’s part of her group and she enjoys so many things.

But this weekend at the IUDM, I saw myself in my sweet little nine year old. I saw a girl who desperately wanted to be outgoing but didn’t know how.

I saw a girl who felt invisible in a crowd, a girl who wanted to stand out but also wanted to go unnoticed. I’ve been that girl and it can be so hard.

So when she got testy with me, irritable and tired, we took a little walk, my girls and I. We went out to the car on the pretense of getting Olivia some gum. We did actually get the gum but that was just my excuse to get Alyssa out of the crowd and out of her own head for even five minutes.

As we walked to the car, I asked A if she was feeling okay. She’d fallen off the bounce house earlier in the day and hit her head pretty hard. She said she was fine. I hugged her and told her that I understood that sometimes it’s hard to be the big sister to a kid with special needs. I told her I know that it can be hard to be in a crowded room and feel like no one sees you.

She smiled and me and said simply, “I love you Mom.”

And that was that. She was fine for the rest of the day. She was engaged and had fun and flipped and did more walk-overs than I could count.

It can be hard to compete with all the Riley kids when at a dance marathon that is being put on specifically for those very kids. But once you remember that you don’t have to compete, it’s possible to have fun again.

I want Alyssa to know that who she is perfect to me. She’s a smart, kind, loving child who will always be amazing my eyes. And sure, she’ll need to put herself out there more as she gets older but she will. In her time, in her way.

I did. And I’m glad for it, just as she will be someday.

And on a positive note, she did enjoy being the center of attention at a family gathering yesterday. She showed off her amazing level 2 gymnastics skills. Uncles, aunts and cousins were appropriately impressed. It made my shy girl's day.

(And because it cannot go unmentioned, the cute blond girl behind Alyssa to her left is none other than Riley herself, the girl who has attended 100 dance marathons. She's ten, guys!)

(Also, photo credit goes to R's mom, Julie. Thanks Julie, for taking some amazing pictures of my girls!)