Balance

I am feeling this need, this compulsion to find some sort of balance in my life.

I had a lovely conversation with my BFF this morning (thanks for calling, Julie!) and at one point I was bitching about my husband because, well, it’s what I do with my BFF, and she asked me if he tended to ‘win’ most of the, umm, I can’t call them arguments because there is never yelling involved. Let’s just call them tiffs.

And yes, yes he does ‘win’ more often than I do.

And yet, I know that if one were to ask him, he’d say that he gives in as often if not more than I do. And he’d believe it.

So…where do we go from here?

Last night when the girls and I got home, it was around 5:45. Tom was burritoed on the couch, a blanket wrapped around him, the news blaring at an eardrum bursting 50 on the volume control.

We kissed him hello and I set about making dinner for the girls. He said he wasn’t going to eat right away because he’d had a few things to eat a couple of hours before and wasn’t hungry quite yet.

Okay, no big deal.

By 6:30, he was sound asleep.

Balance…I wondered, a little pissy, I’ll confess, when the day would come that I could get home from work, plunk myself down on the couch beneath a blanket and go directly to sleep, not to pass Go or collect $200.

Probably the day after never, I’m thinking.

Now, I have to give Tom credit. He is there and he helps where he can. Breakfast on school mornings are all his. He also keeps track of time and is the one who puts the girls on the bus after making sure they’ve brushed their teeth. He gathers shoes and jackets and backpacks and hustles them out the door.

And to be honest, most of the ‘tiffs’ we have are my issues. I’m pissy because I’m tired. I’m also annoyed by the littlest, stupidest things. And yet, when push comes to shove, I give in and feel resentful because I usually don’t care enough to fight about it.

Which is the problem. I need to pick my battles, push back when something is important and let it go, all of it, when something isn’t important. This means that if I’m not willing to fight for something, I have to give up the resentfulness, the anger I often let fester even after he thinks something is settled.

For example, I hate, detest, it drives me out of my freaking mind, when I come downstairs in the morning and Tom acts all chipper and says something like, “There’s only one package for you today.”

The package in question is something he wants me to take to my work and ship for him via UPS. Which, fine, whatever. His reasoning is that I’m going there anyway, we get a discount when we ship through there and I get the extra bonus that comes from the discount.

As far as he’s concerned, it’s a win-win situation. He gets his package shipped without having to make a special trip to town and I get the extra cash.

Except I HATE taking his package in for shipment. I hate it so, so much. And so when he chirps about there only being one package, I usually glare at him and then go about my business.

The last time this situation occurred, he pouted the rest of the morning.

When I got home that afternoon I explained to him that he’s not allowed to pout over my glare. Why? Because HE’S GETTING HIS WAY! I’m doing what he wants me to do even though I hate it so very much and so I can glare a few times and he can get over it.

Why do I hate it so much? Because it’s a hassle. He’s packages are almost always over 40lbs heavy and they’re often big and bulky. I have to carry the damned things from the parking lot to my office and then from my office to shipping. They’re awkward and heavy and I hate it.

And…this is the part that get to me. Because he works from home, he considers this ‘our’ business. Except…if it were OURS, I wouldn’t have to work outside the home. So no, it’s not our business, it is HIS. And as such, each aspect should be his responsibility. From the acquisition of the product, to the selling of it, to the packaging and shipping. I don’t ask him to come to my office and do part of my job and so I resent him asking/demanding that I do part of his job.

Yet I do it. Because I do understand that I’m saving him time and gas money because I am already coming here. But because of this understanding, I think I am entitled to a glare or three thousand because, again, HE’S GETTING HIS WAY.

So…yes, balance. I need to find some. I need to get my way once in awhile too. That would go a long way toward making me feel things are balancing.