Empty

There was a moment a few nights ago when I felt like my reserves were empty. I had nothing left to give. Nothing.

I had no patience, no energy, I felt like if I didn't get away, get one second of solitude, I was going to lose my mind.

The constant demands of work, motherhood, being a wife and a daughter were getting to me. I felt like I was giving and giving and giving and there was nothing refilling my tank.

And I know that's not fair to those around me. They give as much as they can. I know they do.

It's just...sometimes, they don't know what I need because I don't know what I need. And if I can't vocalize it, how can I ask for what I need.

Sleep helped.

I slept for almost twelve hours last night. And there were only three interruptions during those twelve hours. That is actually something to write home about.

I want to write about all the wonderful things happening these days.

Like the fact that this year, I haven't let the boiled, dyed Easter eggs go to waste. I've actually used two dozen eggs. In years past, the dyed eggs ended up in fields, turning to compost, which, while not a bad thing, did seem sort of a waste.

And today, I made chocolate chunk cookies using the remains of a solid chocolate bunny. And Olivia has declared the cookies "delicious!" So there's that.

Today has been better. But...I'm not sure how long the twelve hours of sleep are going to help. Something has to change. But I don't know what.

Or maybe I do and I don't want to admit it. I'm frustrated and angry...so, so angry. There is anger that is unresolved from years ago, that I've let fester and mount and grow and it's wrong. The problem is, the issues are in the past, they've been resolved, even though the anger still exists. And I think the anger is still there because it was never acknowledged, never accepted by the person who caused the situation that lead to the anger. I never felt like I had a right to be angry and so I've buried it.

Except it doesn't ever stay buried, does it?

And that's it.

I sometimes wonder what I need to do to be a better wife, a better mother, a better person. What do I need to do other than lose about 70lbs. Because sometimes it feels like my weight is the biggest problem of all. If I could get it under control, everything else would just fall into place.

Please. I know this isn't true. But I'm not sure others know that. I don't necessarily think my weigh is the most pressing issue, but I so often feel like there are others who do.

I apologize for being so cryptic. There are issues that I don't feel likek I can write about right now and yet...I have to. So this is how I do it. For now.