Mean Girl

Well, that last post came across as all judgy, didn't it? I'm sorry for that. I was more envious than judgemental but I don't think that's how I sounded.

Tom's side of the family had a reunion on Sunday. It was lovely.

Except, he has a few cousins and a sister, all of whom are at least five years older than I am, who are aging delightfully. They all look lovely with their unlined faces, their size 8 or small bodies and there I was, lumbering around, all huge and taller than everyone else and just ugh, big!

And I hate it. Jealousy and envy are ugly things, and they turn me into a mean girl.

Yet, that's no excuse to come off that I'm making fun of or judging other women in an effort to make myself feel better. I'm a grown up, I should be above things like that. I should be teaching my daughters to be above it.

Did I feel better after writing that yesterday? No.

I went home last night and at 7:30, informed Tom that I was going to bed. He was a bit surprised but didn't say much.

The girls stayed downstairs with him and at 10:00, they all stomped up the stairs. Of course this woke me up which was the point.

Olivia climbed into bed next to me and implored me to scratch her back. Alyssa climbed in beside Olivia and promptly took my hand, which is how she falls asleep.

I mumbled to O that I didn't feel like scratching, they'd just woken me up and I was still tired.

Tom snapped, "Leave your mother alone, she's tired."

And the way he said it told me that he thought I'd been selfish for going to bed so early and that he was annoyed that he'd had to pick up the slack with the girls.

Which made me realize something.

It is the partners of the women I mentioned yesterday that I envy. I envy knowing that if I'm having a bad day, week or even month that my partner will step up and not make me feel bad that he has to do so.

Men are so dumb sometimes.

This morning Tom suggested that I take a walk tonight. Don't guys know they can't suggest something like that? Don't they know that what we're (I'm) going to hear is, "Hey, fatty, you should get some exercise, why don't you go for a walk?"

That suggestion on top of his snarky comment last night has left me feeling low, weak and vulnerable.

My girls, on the other hand, have already forgiven me for my need of a few extra hours of sleep. This morning they were all smiles as I got ready for work. They hugged me when I promised that I won't be heading to bed early tonight.

So I guess my grateful moment if the forgiveness of kids. I could learn a thing or two from them.